


Kinky Avengers

by CrunchySalad



Category: Marvel, Marvel Ultimates, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Ficlet Collection, M/M, Plot What Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-10-29
Packaged: 2017-11-05 11:11:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/405754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrunchySalad/pseuds/CrunchySalad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of short fills written for avengerkink. The first chapter is a table of contents listing the pairings/prompts for each ficlet.</p><p>Ch. 6: Ultimate Steve and Tony go in for couples counseling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Table of Contents

**1\. Table of Contents**

**2\. Clint/Coulson (phone sex)**  
 _secondary pairing(s):_ Rhodey/Tony  
 _prompt:_ Everyone knows that Clint and Phil are together and it's a given that Barton's the flirty, dirty one, right? That's what everyone believes until they overhear Phil and Clint's conversations over the not-really-private-comm they think is on and are speechless to realize that damn, Phil Coulson, SHIELD agent, Avengers' supernanny, can speak dirty. Really hot and dirty. Cue everyone not being able to experience debriefing the same way again.

**3\. Rhodey/Steve (Tony can't handle it)**  
 _secondary pairing(s):_ Pepper/Tony  
 _prompt:_ Tony introduces Steve and Rhodey at one of his parties (Vet's Day maybe, sometime they can be in uniform?). Rhodey is a patriotic drunk, so the more he drinks, the more attracted he is to Steve, and he starts hitting on him aggressively. Maybe they even sneak off somewhere, and Tony Can't Handle It. Whether Tony is/was with one of them is up to author, but no infidelity please. Humor or drama I don't care, I just want Tony's head exploding while his buddies are going at it. Or getting off on it, whichever.

**4\. Bucky/Steve (Tony takes them to a gay bar)**  
 _secondary pairings(s):_ Galaga Guy/Tony  
 _prompt:_ Bucky wakes up in the future (the whole Winter Soldier thing didn't happen; he was frozen and SHIELD found him), where homosexuality is way more common and widely accepted. He spent his entire life back in the 20s-40s trying to deny his feelings for men (and Steve), and now that he doesn't have to, he finds that he still can't accept himself because of deep-seated fear. I'd like to see Tony figure it out and take Bucky and Steve to a gay club to prove to Bucky that homosexuality isn't condemned the way it was back then, and also to prove that Steve is comfortable with it (and totally into Bucky). Also, maybe Tony could help things along by macking on either Steve or Bucky to make the other one jealous.

**5\. Steve/Tony (Steve is Tony's Penis)**  
 _prompt:_ Steve is Tony's sentient penis. Tony gives his penis some lovin'.

**5\. Steve/Tony (couples counseling)**  
 _prompt:_ Steve and Tony fight constantly. They can hardly work together in the field and after a major screw-up that leaves one of the team injured, Fury forces them into couples counseling. Humor, angst, crack, whatever. Can take place in any 'verse (I admit I have a fondness for the Ultimates) as long as it's Tony and Steve sitting on a couch with a therapist (human, mutant, SHIELD lackey, whatever) talking about their feelings.


	2. Clint/Coulson (phone sex)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows that Clint and Phil are together and it's a given that Barton's the flirty, dirty one, right? That's what everyone believes until they overhear Phil and Clint's conversations over the not-really-private-comm they think is on and are speechless to realize that damn, Phil Coulson, SHIELD agent, Avengers' supernanny, can speak dirty. Really hot and dirty. Cue everyone not being able to experience debriefing the same way again.

Tony pushed his foot off of the leg of his table, sending his chair rolling from one part of the lab to another. He had a flame torch in his hands, his "bad ass mortherfucking inventor" mix was blasting in his ears, and he had just finished off a good, old-fashioned New York pizza. Life was good. The only thing that could make the night better was. . . well, sex. He could use some sex. Pepper was in Tokyo. Rhodey was in Washington. He wondered if he could convince Rhodey to fly over while he finished making this new part for his suit.

"JARVIS," he said, even as he turned on the torch. "Turn off the music and call Rhodey."

"Yes, sir."

A few moments later the buzz of static filled the air, followed by Rhodey's smooth, vaguely annoyed voice.

"Is there something I can help you with, Tony?"

"Oh, you know. I'm just sitting here alone in my lab, thinking of you and getting all hot and bothered, wondering if my big, cuddly papa bear wanted to come over and get some honey."

There was a short pause before Rhodey answered. If anything, he sounded more annoyed than before. "Tony. I am not going to drop everything I'm doing to fly over just because you want to get laid."

"Oh, come on, like you wouldn't be getting as much out of it as me. You know Bruce is living with me now, right? What if I head over to his room and try to get a little something something going on?"

"You wouldn't do that."

He wouldn't, not without Pepper's permission, but Rhodey didn't need to know that. Before Tony could proclaim that yes, actually, he would, and Rhodey should know that about him by now, a third voice buzzed over the intercom.

"I'm flattered, Tony, but right now I only see you as a friend."

Both Tony and Rhodey paused for a few moments, before Tony got over the mild shock that someone was listening to them.

"Friends can have sex," Tony said. "And how'd you get on this line? I thought I told JARVIS to call Rhodey."

"It seems," JARVIS interrupted, "that when SHIELD installed their communication lines in the building, they did something to interfere with all the existing lines."

"Of course." Tony couldn't say he was surprised. "I knew I should have had them supervised, but you'd think a big outfit like SHIELD would be able to install some phone or satellite or whatever lines without fucking things up. Anyone else out there listening to me strike out with both Rhodey and Bruce? Maybe someone I might have better luck with?"

"Don't even bother trying, but I'm here," came Natasha's voice. "This conversation has been very amusing."

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop," Steve said, "but your voices just came on and the off switch doesn't seem to be working."

Tony grunted a little noise of disapproval. "Yeah, well, what do you expect from government work? That's what happens when SHIELD doesn't contract with Stark Industries for all their technological needs."

"I don't suppose SHIELD's line reaches Asgard," Bruce wondered out loud.

There was a buzzing over the intercom again, and Tony's ears perked up in anticipation of Thor's booming voice. Instead, Clint's voice came through the air.

"I was wondering when you would call."

His voice was low and sultry, and the first thing Tony thought was, _Great, he's talking to Coulson._ The last thing he needed to hear was Clint flirting and talking dirty to bland, straight-laced Coulson. Tony liked both of them, he did, but what a guy like Clint saw in a guy like Coulson, he didn't really know. Unless it was that whole opposites attract kind of thing.

"Of course I called. Did you find the gift that I left in your bag before you left on your mission?"

"You mean the dildo? Fuck yeah. Are you gonna help me use it now?"

Huh. Okay. Maybe Coulson wasn't as bland and straight-laced as Tony thought, if he was stuffing surprise dildos in his boyfriend's bag. Would Rhodey enjoy surprise dildos in his overnight bags? Tony imagined him pulling something like a triple ripple butt plug out of his duffel bag in front of all his military friends. No, Rhodey would definitely not enjoy that.

"It depends on how good you've been. Have you been a good boy, Clint?"

There was a little bit of a growl to Coulson's usually monotonous voice. Tony kind of liked it. He noticed that none of the other Avengers (and Rhodey) were speaking up and making their presence known, so what was the harm in listening in?

"Mmm. You know I haven't, Phil. What are you going to do about it?"

Coulson chuckled. "Oh, I can think of a few things once you come home. But for now, why don't you take off your pants and tell me exactly how hard you are?"

Tony was surprised to note that they didn't beat around the bush at all. Even when he had phone sex with someone, there was a certain amount of 'honey, how was your day' before they got to the good stuff.

There was a rustling of zipper and fabric. "Oh, you can't even imagine how hard I am, just from hearing your voice."

"I think I can give it a shot. I bet you're rock hard and flushed red, pre-come leaking out of that gorgeous mushroom head of yours. Have I told you lately how much I love your cock, Clint?"

"Mmm, yeah, but tell me some more."

"I could spend hours sucking your dick. Tracing my tongue over every vein and ridge. Seeing what noises I could get you to make with just my mouth alone."

"Oh, God," Clint said, before his voice faded into indiscernible moaning.

"Noises just like those. Are you touching yourself? Are you touching yourself while imagining me sucking on you?"

"You know it. That's exactly what I'm doing."

It was what Tony was doing, too. The entertainment was too good to waste, and he had already taken his cock out to casually stroke as he imagined Clint doing the same. He tried to imagine what Clint would look like. Maybe reclining in bed, a headset perched on his ear, one hand stroking himself while the other played with his balls. He liked to think that Clint was long and thick, a size more substantial than his small, compact frame would make people think. But then, Tony always was a size queen.

"Are you fingering yourself, Clint?"

"Mmm. No. Not yet."

"Do it for me. Slide your fingers into that tight, little hole. I want to hear you working yourself open, fucking yourself, getting yourself ready for that huge dildo to split you in half."

Oh. Tony closed his eyes and bit his lip, not wanting to make any noises too loud to give himself away. Although with Clint's assortment of moans and other noises, he wasn't sure if he needed to worry too much.

"Does that feel good?" Coulson asked, voice as calm as ever. "How good does that feel?"

"So good. I could finger myself forever."

"Oh, I don't think you mean that. Not when you have something better than just fingers to occupy your hole with. Is that dildo ready?"

There was a pause. Maybe a bit of scrambling as Clint went to grab the dildo? Tony wondered if he was lubing it up or if he had already done all that prep before even calling Coulson. God, he wished this were a video feed.

"I've got it, Phil. Fuck, it's big."

"Suck it first. Get it nice and wet so it doesn't tear you apart."

There were slurping noises. Gagging sounds that went straight to Tony's groin. Tony imagined that Clint was still fingering himself as he sucked on the dildo, filled on both ends.

"Oh, God, Phil, can I put it in? I just want to shove it in already."

There was a long, long moment that convinced Tony that Coulson was very much a sadist, and then, "Go ahead."

"Oh. Oh. Ooooooooooh."

Tony tried to imagine Clint with his legs spread. With his cheeks spread. Tried to imagine it as inch after inch of a huge dildo slid into Clint's small, puckered hole, stretching it open.

"Mmmm. It's all the way in." Clint panted the words more than he said them, and he couldn't have sounded more content. "It feels so good. I feel so full."

"Pretend it's my dick inside of you, fucking you. Does it feel good when I fuck you?"

"Always," Clint moaned.

"I'm going to fuck you harder, so hard it almost hurts. Touch yourself while I do it, Clint. Jerk yourself off while I'm inside you."

Tony fumbled at his own cock as he listened to the noises Clint was making, as he listened to Clint murmuring dirty little encouragements to him. It was better than porn to know that it was actually happening, at that moment, between two people he actually knew. Tony wasn't even close, though, when his two friends started to reach their little ending.

"Oh, fuck, Phil, I'm coming."

Clint's orgasm came in long, shuddering breaths, in little sounds that weren't quite moans, and Tony imagined him spilling himself in long, white arches onto his stomach.

The line went very noticeably fuzzy before silence reigned for several long moments. When Tony thought the coast was clear, he decided to test to waters.

"Hello?" he asked. "You guys still there?"

"I don't think debriefings will ever be the same," Bruce said, sounding just a little traumatized. "And I'm a little worried about Steve. Steve?"

No answer.

"I'll check on him," Natasha said. "He's probably in shock."

"Or masturbating." Tony quite liked the idea of Captain America jerking off. It had been a go-to fantasy, after all, when he was just a kid. "Guy can't be as straight-laced as we all think. After all, Coulson wasn't."

Rhodey cleared his throat. "You know what, Tony? I think I'll head over to your place after all."

"Good to know," Tony said, smiling as he shut off the communication line.


	3. Rhodey/Steve (Tony can't handle it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony introduces Steve and Rhodey at one of his parties (Vet's Day maybe, sometime they can be in uniform?). Rhodey is a patriotic drunk, so the more he drinks, the more attracted he is to Steve, and he starts hitting on him aggressively. Maybe they even sneak off somewhere, and Tony Can't Handle It. Whether Tony is/was with one of them is up to author, but no infidelity please. Humor or drama I don't care, I just want Tony's head exploding while his buddies are going at it. Or getting off on it, whichever.

Despite popular opinion, Tony Stark was perfectly capable of throwing a "grown-up" party. He attended enough of them to see how they were done, after all, and he always was a quick study. Not all of his parties ended with drunk celebrities breaking into neighbors' houses, the conversion of hotel suites into strip clubs, or two grown men in metal suits of weaponized armor fighting each other. So he was not at all surprised when his latest shindig, a mostly government affair at the Huntley designed to get him a big, fat energy contract, was going smashingly.

It helped that a few of his other Avengers were here. There was still a lot of goodwill over the whole saving the world thing, and all the guests were clamoring to meet the heroes of the day. Natasha was in a fabulous gown and entertaining a group of politicians, and Tony wasn't sure if he should be surprised to see her being charming and cracking jokes. Fury was completely in his element, probably used to dealing with government and military types as director of SHIELD. Steve was sitting at one of the impeccably appointed tables, smiling as Rhodey's arm draped over his shoulder and Rhodey's hand fell onto his knee. . .

Whoa. What? Tony walked over to where his two friends, both looking sharp in their varying versions of dress blues, were sitting entirely too close for his liking.

"-has anyone ever told you how fine you look wearing that red, white, and blue? That costume of yours-"

"Rhodey. Snuggle Bunny." Tony reached down and tugged his friend to his feet. He gave a quick smile to a confused and blinking Steve, mumbled an 'excuse us for a bit,' and pulled Rhodey into a corner. He pulled Rhodey so close to him that they were nearly chest to chest, then started to straighten the already straight array of pins and metals on Rhodey's uniform as an excuse for their proximity. "You're drunk."

When Rhodey was drunk, he got loquacious. And affectionate. And _patriotic_. Which made Steve, who basically oozed America from his pores, a rather obvious target of his attentions.

"Why, yes," Rhodey said. "Yes I am, Tony. Thank you for noticing. And I was just having a very interesting conversation with Steve Rogers, so-"

"Yeah, about that." Tony glanced to his side to see Steve still sitting at the table and staring at them with some mixture of confusion and concern. "Please tell me you weren't hitting on Steve."

"But that's exactly what I was doing. And he was completely into it, so if you'll let me go, I have a living legend to seduce."

"Come on, Gobstopper," Tony said, before cringing. Not the best nickname he had ever used, but he thought them up on the fly. Not all of them were going to be gems. At any rate, Tony put on his best puppy dog face, all big eyes and pouty lips. "You're my best friend slash ex-boyfriend. He's my new teammate slash long-lost brother, or at least it feels that way considering how Dad was always talking about him like he was his favorite son. This is just too fucking weird for me."

"Tony." Rhodey's face went serious as one hand grabbed Tony's shoulder and the other gently cupped the side of Tony's face. "I like this guy. Pretty sure he likes me too. So I'm going to give you the same courtesy that you give me every time I tell you not to hook up with someone you shouldn't be hooking up with."

That just meant Rhodey was going to ignore him. Tony decided to try a different appeal. "A drunken hookup? Don't you think he deserves better? Guy's probably still a virgin."

Rhodey laughed and patted Tony's face. "Oh, man. From the stories he's told me? Definitely not as innocent as you all seem to think."

Tony could only frown as Rhodey turned and left. And that frown only grew when he saw Steve beam and smile as Rhodey reclaimed the seat beside him. He never should have introduced them, should have known they would get along. Stupid military men.

"Stark! There you are, I was looking everywhere for you."

Tony turned to see a shareholder he would usually have brushed off instantly, only they needed to be on good terms right now. After a little small talk he found himself in conversation with yet another person, than another, and by the time he had a chance to look for Rhodey and Steve again, they were gone. Tony's head whipped around as he scanned to large room, but to no avail. He avoided a senator, a lawyer, and two models as he made his way out of the room, only to run into Pepper.

"Pepper!" He grabbed her in a hug before letting her go. "It's so perfect that you're here, you can help me find Rhodey and Steve."

Pepper frowned and tilted her head in the way that she did when she had no idea what he was going on about. "Why do you need to find Rhodey and Steve?"

"Because they're sneaking off to do unspeakable things to each other, and I have to stop them before it happens." Tony wished that Pepper would just get on board and help without the tedious explanations. "I mean, come on. Rhodey and Captain America. Lieutenant Colonel Jim Rhodes and Cap. Can you believe this?"

Pepper sighed before placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing. "I know it's hard to see your exes with someone else, but don't you think you're overreacting? Rhodey's dated lots of other people after you and you've never cared."

"But this is _Steve_. Steve, my dad's favorite. Steve, my fellow Avenger, who I am finally on good terms with. With _my_ Rhodey. It's weird. How come no one can see how weird it is?"

Now Pepper was checking her cell phone, which was not a good sign. It meant she had already decided to brush him off. "You know what I think? I think you should stop obsessing over those two before your girlfriend starts to get jealous."

"What are you talking about, Pep? You're my. . . oh." Tony tried for a sheepish expression as he tried to gauge how annoyed or angry Pepper was. Not very, he decided, but it wouldn't hurt to say something nice. "Well, you're not the jealous type, especially since you know how much I love you and how you make me a better person and did I say how much I love you?"

"Mmm hmm. Now, do you mind moving so I can go do my job?" Pepper waved her cell phone to the side, waited for Tony to step away, and then disappeared into the party.

So help from Pepper was out of the question. Tony made his way to the front desk, where fame, charm, and a few hundred dollar bills got him a room number and key card. It was nice to be him. Or so he thought until he actually opened the door.

"What the hell!" Tony didn't know what he had been expecting. He didn't think they had been gone all that long and assumed they would still be flirting or making out. He did not expect to see Steve on all fours on the bed, moaning like a ten-dollar whore with Rhodey's face buried between his ass cheeks.

Rhodey jumped away. Steve scrambled off and behind the bed, peeking over the top of it so that only a tuft of golden hair and bright blue eyes were visible.

"Tony!" Rhodey stomped over, pushed Tony out into the hallway, and closed the door behind them. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

And, for once, Tony's mind wasn't supplying him with all the pretty words it usually did.

Rhodey softened his tone of voice. "Tony, what is this all actually about?"

Tony crossed his arms. Uncrossed them. Kicked his feet a little. Finally, "I don't know. Maybe it's about how the guy I grew up hearing about all the time didn't really give a shit about me when we first met, but he likes you instantly. Or maybe it's about how Dad and everyone else thinks he's so damned perfect but he's not and I thought you'd be able to see through that. Or maybe"—and here Tony's voice went a little bit softer—"maybe it's the fact that you're my best friend, you're the best man I know, and if you start dating someone even half as good as you are, you won't have any time for me anymore."

Rhodey took a long, audible breath before grabbing Tony and pulling him into his arms. "Oh, Tony. You know that's not going to happen."

"Do I?" Tony mumbled into Rhodey's shoulder.

"Tony, I love you, but you're an asshole. If I were going to drop you I would have done it a long time ago. Sorry, but you're stuck with me."

Tony laughed as his arms tugged tight around Rhodey's back. "I'm going to make you put that in writing."

"Sure thing, Tony." Rhodey pulled away then, giving Tony a playful punch on the shoulder. "As long as you leave, like, right now, because I've got better things to do than dealing with your issues."

Tony smiled and held his hands up. "Leaving."

He turned and headed back to the elevator, figuring it wouldn't be such a _horrible_ thing if Rhodey and Steve started dating after all.


	4. Bucky/Steve, Tony takes them to a gay bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wakes up in the future (the whole Winter Soldier thing didn't happen; he was frozen and SHIELD found him), where homosexuality is way more common and widely accepted. He spent his entire life back in the 20s-40s trying to deny his feelings for men (and Steve), and now that he doesn't have to, he finds that he still can't accept himself because of deep-seated fear. 
> 
> I'd like to see Tony figure it out and take Bucky and Steve to a gay club to prove to Bucky that homosexuality isn't condemned the way it was back then, and also to prove that Steve is comfortable with it (and totally into Bucky). Also, maybe Tony could help things along by macking on either Steve or Bucky to make the other one jealous.

They didn't call them gay bars in his time. When he was a kid there was talk of certain notorious speakeasies, with names like Gladys Bentley whispered like trendy circus freak show acts, but that was before his time. By the time he was grown enough to realize where his preferences lied, no one really called them anything. They were just places that were open to that kind of thing, if you knew where they were. Which Bucky never did, because as far as he was concerned those places and those people didn't concern him.

And now here he was, seventy years later, sitting at a table in a bar that flew a rainbow flag out front. Men gyrated together on the dance floor in front of him and fast, repetitive beats played too loudly on the speakers. He assumed the noise was supposed to be music.

"Did you see the paparazzi outside?" Tony asked. Stark was sitting two bodies down, Steve being the body in between them. He was also dressed in a tight tank top and ridiculous leather pants. "They couldn't care less that I was going into a gay club. All they wanted to do was take my picture and try to find out what celebrities I might be shacking up with at the moment."

"Yeah. Sure. I get it, people can be more open about these kinds of things these days." That didn't stop him from maybe sitting too straight in his seat. Gripping his bottle of beer too hard. Wanting to get the hell out of here. "Great, but it doesn't have anything to do with me."

There was a disappointed look on Tony's face and a vaguely hurt one on Steve's, and Bucky swallowed and wished he hadn't said that. Tony stared at him for a very long time. Then Tony sidled up close to Steve in a way that made Bucky very uncomfortable and maybe just a little bit angry, tangled his arm around Steve's arm, and pushed his mouth close to Steve's ear.

"Let's dance," Tony said, voice low and eyes playful, and Bucky knew flirting when he saw it.

"I don't know, Tony." But Steve was already letting Tony pull him out onto the dance floor, and then they weren't so much dancing as they were fucking with their clothes on.

Bucky felt sick. He pushed out of his seat and walked as fast as he could away from all of this ridiculousness. Once he got outside he froze, because there was a police officer walking by, but the man only spared him half a glance before moving on. Still, it took a few moments before his heart stopped trying to beat out of his chest, before Bucky could breath normally again and set out on his way.

He was two blocks away when he heard his name being called out, and what could he do but stop? It was Steve, after all. He wasn't going to ignore Steve. So he stopped, turned around, and watched as Steve ran the rest of the way to catch up with him.

And then they were standing there on some random street corner, Bucky waiting for Steve to say something and Steve very obviously at a loss for words. They stood there in silence as Bucky wished he were a better man, wished he could tell Steve exactly what he thought of him, ever since they were sixteen and Steve became the only good thing he ever had in his life.

"You know," Steve said, "we could kiss right here, right now, and no one around us would care."

The first response in Bucky's head was _I'm not a faggot_. It was the automatic response, the one that came from a lifetime of hiding and denial. He had no idea how Steve could stand there and say something so bold like it was nothing. But then, Steve always was the braver one between the two of them.

And Steve always had a way of making him brave, too. Bucky leaned forward and tilted his head upward. It wasn't anything more than a peck, really, but when he drew away Steve looked so damned happy that he couldn't even regret what he had just done.

"Let's go home," he said, and Steve just nodded and fell into step beside him.

**.omake.**

Tony's cell phone vibrated in a specific way as to herald the arrival of a new text message. He took it out, slid his thumb across the screen, and smiled at the message Steve sent him. He knew everything would work out for those two crazy kids; and to think that Steve had doubted him. He sent a "You're welcome" back and slid the phone back into his too tight pants, just in time for a warm body to slide into the seat next to him.

"You know," said a low, teasing voice, "I got a demotion because of you."

Tony looked over. Young guy, mid-to-late twenties, hot. "I'm sure I don't know- wait. Galaga guy?"

Galaga guy smirked. Tony let his eyes trail over a lithe, toned body that was encased in clothes that fit like a second skin. But, damn, Galaga guy was looking good.

"Well," Tony said, bringing out his most seductive smile, "you'll just have to let me do everything in my power to make it up to you."


	5. Steve/Tony, Steve is Tony's penis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is Tony's sentient penis. Tony gives his penis some lovin'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's pretend that Tony was still in college when he was 18 for the purposes of this fic (or not, if you're into underage or you're from a country where 16 or 17 isn't considered underage).

**What If. . . ?**   
_What if Howard found Steve when Tony was college-age but, through some scientific experiment gone wrong, ended up transferring Steve's consciousness to Tony's penis?_

Tony stared at the image on his computer screen and scrolled. To anyone outside his field, the diagram would have made little sense. A mumble jumble of squares and long rectangles of green, blue, purple, and orange, all connecting in a rather strange, messy way. On this level, it would be hard for laypeople to recognize the diagram as a computer chip.

Not that any of that really mattered. The more pressing concern was that Tony couldn't get the damned thing to work. He had been spending nearly all his time in this MIT computer lab lately, staying up almost all night making changes and running simulations, and still couldn't get it to do what he wanted. And this was probably the fifth day in a row where he had gotten no more than three or four hours of sleep at night. He just wanted to finish this project.

Tony sighed and stretched. A half-eaten box of pizza sat on the table beside him, along with a half-full two liter bottle of soda. He wondered if Rhodey was was going to bring more coffee soon. He figured that he might as well take a restroom break while he was waiting, but was only a few minutes later when he was pissing in the stall that Tony realized something was amiss.

Steve was being awfully quiet. In fact, he had been getting quieter and quieter over the last few days.

Tony waited until he was done pissing to look down (he never watched, really, it was just too weird to) and shook his penis a few times.

"Steve?" he asked.

Big blue eyes on the head of Tony's cock slowly blinked open. Steve's eyes. There was a little mouth underneath the two eyes and it opened as well.

"What do you want, Tony?"

Steve's voice was pretty listless, and it didn't escape Tony's notice that he looked very, very pale. There was even a blue tinge to his cheeks.

Oh, God, Tony realized, he had been completely neglecting Steve over the last several days. When was the last time he had even masturbated? They both had needs, Steve even more so than him since Steve was actually . . . well, a penis.

"I'm so sorry, Steve," Tony said. He cradled Steve's head in the palm of his hand. "I completely forgot about your needs."

"No." Steve's voice was a loud command that startled Tony a bit, but then it went back to a soft, dull tone. "I'm fine. You have your project to finish, that's more important."

Tony raised an eyebrow. This wouldn't be the first time they had argued about Tony's priorities, but Steve looked worse than Tony had ever seen him look. "Steve, you really need this."

"It's not going to kill me to go without."

"How do you know it won't? I mean, you're a penis." Tony couldn't believe he had to get permission to jerk himself off. Especially when Steve obviously needed it so much. "Different rules apply to you now."

Steve narrowed his eyes in his "determined" face, an expression that always made Tony want to say "aww, how cute" and poke him in the cheek.

"I can make the sacrifice," Steve said.

"Are you kidding?" Tony asked. "You would risk your health so I don't have to spare a few minutes to jerk off? Hell, we've probably wasted just as much time arguing about it as we would have actually doing it."

Steve's resulting frown actually looked more like a pout. "Fine. But be quick about it."

"Sure thing, Cap." Tony leaned back against the stall door as he took Steve in a firmer grip, careful to avoid poking the eyes and mouth (Steve had told him it wasn't painful or anything when Tony touched them, but Tony wanted to be careful), and started to stroke.

The change was ridiculously fast. Steve shuddered as his eyes closed and his mouth fell into an open 'o,' hardening quickly under Tony's touch. What was it like, Tony wondered, when your whole body was an erogenous zone?

They both had to bite their lips from making noises as Tony jerked Steve (and himself) off in the stall. Steve was fully hard now and flushed a pleasant shade of pink that Tony's cock had never turned before on its own. It was so much more fun masturbating now than it had been before; Tony knew all the intricacies of his own cock, could use them to make Steve moan in ways Tony liked to think Captain America had never moaned before.

And he was putting all that knowledge to use right now. He kept his grip a little too tight and his movements a little too harsh. And Steve was feeling it, was shaking as he bit back moans and grunts, turning pinker and pinker as Tony's hand tugged at him.

Tony wished they were back at his place, somewhere there was more room to try more adventurous things. His experiments with auto-fellatio (Steve-fellatio?) and yoga classes were paying off, and if he bent the right way he could just about lick at the tip of Steve's head. It drove Steve crazy, too, made him scream like nothing else before he shot all over Tony's mouth and face. Oh, God, just thinking about it had Tony close to the edge.

"Rub my head some more," Steve said, and he sounded close, so close.

Tony kept his hand focused on Steve's head, rubbing in tight, almost circular motions. He thought about the things he wanted to try with Steve and hadn't had the chance to yet. How would Steve respond to having a cock ring tied around him? Would sounding make Steve groan in pleasure or whimper in pleasure-pain?

Imagining those things drove Tony over the edge, and he leaned forward and pointed Steve at the toilet as he nut. When they were done he watched as Steve slowly went limp again, shrinking down in Tony's hand, a content expression on his face.

"Thanks, Tony," Steve said.

"No problem, Cap. If you ever feel like you need it you should just tell me. I'm never too busy for you."

"Tony? Are you in the bathroom?"

Both Tony and Steve froze at the sound of Rhodey's voice. Rhodey knocked on the stall.

"Tony?" Rhodey asked. "Who are you talking to in there?"

Tony looked down at Steve, whose impossibly big eyes made him look horrified that they had been caught. "Ummm. . . no one."

A very long pause, and then, "Were you talking to your penis?"

Steve glared at Tony as though it were his fault they were in this position, but Tony only shrugged. Finally, Rhodey sighed.

"Whatever, man," Rhodey said. "I've got coffee for when you come out. And please don't bother telling me what they were doing in there."

Tony listened as Rhodey's footsteps carried him out and the door shut behind him. He couldn't help but laugh a little, despite the fact that Steve did not look amused. Perhaps especially because Steve did not look amused.

"Just tell me if you need it," Tony repeated, before tucking Steve back into his boxers. He zipped his pants and made his way out, feeling a little bit more refreshed and ready to take on his project.


	6. Steve/Tony, couples counseling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony fight constantly. They can hardly work together in the field and after a major screw-up that leaves one of the team injured, Fury forces them into couples counseling. Humor, angst, crack, whatever. Can take place in any 'verse (I admit I have a fondness for the Ultimates) as long as it's Tony and Steve sitting on a couch with a therapist (human, mutant, SHIELD lackey, whatever) talking about their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ultimate Marvel Universe
> 
> This was written awhile ago, but I forgot to post it until now.

_Referrer: Nicholas Fury_

The therapist smiled. She didn't know who Nicholas Fury was exactly, had never met the man, but so far his referrals had helped keep her two kids in private school. She really should send the man a fruit basket.

She leaned over her desk and pressed the intercom button. "Send my next two patients in, please."

Her eyes scanned over the rest of the file, which was rather sparse, save for the two names. . . and, no, that couldn't be the Tony Stark, could it? She had to resist the urge to smile as the notorious Anthony Stark walked into the room, along with a strapping blond man who was very obviously Steve Rogers. Well, she thought, she probably wouldn't have to worry about her kids' college funds, either.

She stood up to shake their hands. "Hello, Tony, Steve. My name's Nina. I hope you don't mind being on a first-name basis from the get-go, I feel that it helps the sessions along."

"Oh, no, darling," Tony said, his smile just as charming as in the papers. "I quite prefer it."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Steve said.

She directed them to sit down on the couch as she took a chair directly in front of them. "So. What brings you two here today?"

The file said couple's counseling, but it was always better to let the clients approach the topic on their own terms. She watched as Steve visibly tensed, the set of his jaws and shoulders going stiff.

"We were forced to come," Steve said.

Tony was more gracious. "A colleague of ours highly recommended it. I think it's a marvelous idea, really, so many of my relationships have ended because of a lack of communication. Like the one time my fiancée neglected to tell me she was actually a spy sent to kill me. That put a rather serious damper on our romance."

Nina jotted down "uses dry humor to deal with extraordinary circumstances" in her notebook. "So do you feel the need to be here?"

"Not at all," Steve said. "Whatever issues we have, we can work through them ourselves."

Tony hmmphed at that. "Yes, because we've been doing an absolutely stupendous job of that so far."

Steve narrowed his eyes at Tony but didn't say anything.

Interesting, Nina thought. "Steve, do you have any idea why Tony feels that you might need this?"

Steve shrugged.

Tony smiled. "My dear, you will get nothing from him. He's from an era of stolid, stubborn men. He's positively affronted by the idea of talking with a head shrinker, as he would call them."

"I see." Nina could see Steve's nostrils flare a little as he turned to glare at Tony.

"Fine," Steve said. "If you want to air out our dirty laundry, how about this? You had an affair with Thor."

Wow. Nina was not expecting such a revelation so soon. Steve obviously had more issues than his stern exterior hinted at. To her surprise, Tony just shrugged.

"Oh, please, we've both had affairs with Thor. And at least mine was when you were away." Tony turned back to Nina then, his tone turning half-conspiratorial and half-accusing. "Once he ran off without even telling me. I understood, of course, we had all just been through some horrid events-"

"A teenager died because of me."

"-I thought he had gone on some religious retreat. You know what he was really doing? Living in the desert, where he ran into a group of ravers and spent all his time dancing to dub-step. Dub-step." Tony's eyes widened as his hands clenched into fists. "I fucking hate dub-step."

"You're the one who's always saying that I should open myself up to the modern world."

"I said that to get out of going to church," Tony snapped, before turning once again to Nina. "And meanwhile I was dieing from brain cancer and being taken captive by a man with the sanity of Gary Busey on a bender and the intelligence of me on a good day-"

"That's a generous assessment of yourself," Steve muttered under his breath.

"-which, my dear, is not an enticing combination of qualities in an enemy."

Steve spoke up more loudly this time, now that Tony was done talking. "I didn't know your cancer was back. I thought it had gone."

"And yet you did know that we were facing a horrendous threat and you still couldn't bring yourself to come back."

Both men crossed their arms over their chests and looked away. Nina wrote down "vacation home in Tuscany" in her notebook and underlined it twice.

"I think," she said, "we should schedule weekly sessions, for both of you individually and together as a couple, until we get this sorted out."

Yes, Nick Fury was definitely getting a fruit basket.


End file.
